Despite the earnest efforts of the local CBS affiliate’s telecast to create some sort of Hawaiian vibe – e.g., island melodies while coming in and out of commercials and random shots of fans flashing us the “hang loose” sign — the Cowboys’ sojourn to play the Rams in Honolulu ended up looking like any other practice game.
Unless you want to count . . . the shirts.
The blue, Hawaiian-print shirts which, so it seemed on TV, the Cowboys had issued to their entire travel party, players, coaches and house media alike.
Nothing quite says, “I’ve been to Hawaii on the company’s nickel” quite like a hibiscus- and hyacinth-splashed Aloha shirt garnished with the office logo.
But I digress. At the end of what must have been an exhausting week, what with umbrella drinks to quaff and Twitter beach photos to post, they played a football game – at least, some of them did.
The Los Angeles Rams elected to retain their varsity back on the mainland and, instead, sent what appeared to be some Hollywood extras, plus Blake Bortles.
The Cowboys, meanwhile, unleashed their vaunted No. 1 preseason offense on the host Rams for 12 plays, scored a real touchdown – gasp! — and pronounced the trip a success.
Well, why not? They still keep score in the NFL exhibition season, for amusement purposes, and a 14-10 positive result is something to build on.
Not really. But indulge me for a few more paragraphs.
I bow to my colleague Matt Mosley’s fine analysis of the contest elsewhere on this website. Mosley’s review will impress you, as he always does, with its depth and insight. He must have downed five or six cans of Red Bull, because I got a little head-weary shortly after the shepherd’s crook came out and yanked Mike White off the field by the neck.
My observations were much more pedestrian than pedantic. Such as:
• Dak Prescott – Looks sharp. To me, he’s already ready to start the season. So what would be the point of starting him again Saturday against the Texans?
• Connor Williams – Apparently, the media can’t mention his name this summer without pointing out how he’s gained weight. OK, I get it. But he’s still getting pushed around. How many weeks till Joe Looney takes over?
• Tony Pollard – The star of the night, though let’s consider the Rams’ watered-down cast. He’ll have two more weeks to make you all forget that Elliott guy you’re mad at.
• Mike White – Again, an awful showing. And he’s no rookie. The Cowboys might be better served by finding a semi-retired quarterback, even a Ryan Tannehill type, and letting him take White’s snaps for the rest of the summer. Unless, of course, they’re perfectly happy being a heartbeat away from Cooper Rush.
• Jon’Vea Johnson – Young receiver seems to know how to get open, but catch the ball already. Devin Smith sure seems to know how.
• Justin Phillips – The rookie linebacker’s interception against 6-foot-6 tight end Kendall Blanton was a masterpiece.
• Jason Witten – Like he never left.
• Brett Maher – Jason Garrett gave the kicker the “wind” alibi on TV. No excuses, therefore, these next two weeks.
• Taco Charlton – His third season, and he batted down a pass or two Saturday, but he failed generally to distinguish himself against a unit of LA backups.
• NFL officials – Don’t get me started.
• The CBS 11 telecast – Bill Jones is ever the pro, as is Daryl Johnston. Bonus points for showing the Pro Bowl photo of Moose in a Packers helmet. But a yellow card for trying to explain why Switzer was justified eating a hot dog on the sideline that afternoon. We prefer the he’s-just-a-buffoon version.
The Saturday telecast’s control truck, however, had a rough day. The on-screen clock didn’t catch up until mid-first quarter. The down-and-distance graphic on the field frequently was incorrect. And for some reason, whenever the ball advanced inside the 10-yard line, the TV screen showed “4th and inches.”
But that’s why it’s just a practice game.
From what I gather by trawling the internets, the game was a major marketing ploy by the Rams, who see the Hawaiian islands – and the vast rest of the Pacific – as a merchandising opportunity waiting to be annexed.
The Hawaii Tourism Authority, meanwhile, wants the California dollars. More than two million Californians visit Hawaii each year.
The tourism group reportedly gave the Rams a flat $2 million to play the game at Aloha Stadium, and the Rams agreed to underwrite both teams’ travel and expenses.
Now we know how Jerry had the extra cash to buy all those shirts.
The Cowboys still maintain a large following in Hawaii, though the Cowboys have sleeper cells everywhere. When the Rams left for St. Louis, Hawaiian fans are said to have had brief flirtations with the 49ers and Seahawks and apparently, for 15 minutes, the Raiders.
Now the LA Rams want back in. And they sent 50 or so of their second- and third-best men to be their representatives Saturday night.
So, you see, it wasn’t a football game as much as a marketing opportunity.
Cue the ukulele music.
Two more weeks of practice games.
How do you say, “I just threw up my hot dog” in Hawaiian?
