SURPRISE, Ariz. – In an attempt to both entertain fans and distract from notoriously underwhelming play, the Texas Rangers throughout the years have trotted out some creative diversions.
I remember going to old Arlington Stadium as a kid for bat night, where we received a legit, wooden, red bat courtesy of Minyard. There has also been batting helmet night, dot race bobblehead night and in 1973, my favorite, Farm & Ranch Night, where between games of a day-night double-header cows were brought onto the field for a milking contest amongst players.
Hey, when you’re losing 105 games no object can be too shiny.
These days the props are a little more straightforward. To soothe their inevitable 90-plus losses this season, the Rangers are offering the “Fowl Pole.” That’s a single, two-pound piece of chicken presented on a bed of waffle fries with ranch and honey dipping sauces. The thing comes with its own carrying price for a cool $27.50.
If that doesn’t work, there’s always Joey Gallo.
We’ll probably lose and our real stadium is still under construction, but, hey, he might hit a 490-foot bomb that will set off fireworks and light up Twitter!
Gallo is the ultimate boom-or-bust baseball player. Last year he hit more homers (40) than singles (38), following a similar 2017 of 41 and 32. That’s as impressive as it is preposterous. His moon shots are jaw-dropping, instant classics with mammoth exit velocity that are like crack to the social media sharers.
He also, however, strikes out about 40 percent of the time and barely hits .200.
He’s the NBA player that dunks the hardest in the pre-game layup line, then misses bunnies in the game. He’s Dude Perfect, out-tricking the tricksters in an And1 Tour game in Harlem’s Rucker Park. He’s the long-drive champion that can’t make money on the Tour because he makes 10 percent of 90-foot putts but misses 90 percent of 10-footers.
He’s J.D. Martinez, without the .330 average and 130 RBI. He’s Mike Trout, without the 122 walks and 1.088 OPS.
The Rangers haven’t had a rollercoaster this exciting since the days of whiff-or-wallop Dave Hostetler in 1982. His at-bats, like Gallo’s, were must-see-TV. As a rookie, Hostetler clubbed six homers in first 45 at-bats. For all his invisible plate appearances, Gallo will become the fastest American League player to hit 100 homers if he merely smacks 12 in his first 239 at-bats this season.
In some baseball corners, Gallo is everything that’s wrong with baseball. All power, minimal production. But to the Rangers, he’s an unbridled 25-year-old athletic enough to play left field, determined enough to harness his power, and popular enough to attract eyeballs to TV and butts to seats.
New Rangers manager Chris Woodward wants more patience from Gallo, which he, in turn, believes will lead to even more power. The buzz phrase at Surprise Stadium when talking about Gallo is “stubborn in the strike zone.”
The Rangers want him to shorten his swing and lengthen his breath. As in … chillllllll.
“That’s the toughest part for me, staying calm,” Gallo said. “But I’m working on it. I’m going to get pitches to hit. I’ve just got to learn to be more patient.”
The Zenning of a human Howitzer won’t be easy. The Rangers have Gallo trying deep-breathing exercises, even focusing on calm, static objects in the stadium in the on-deck circle.
Through his first 28 spring at-bats, the results were, um, incomplete? 0 homers. 11 strikeouts.
“I’ve got a ways to go,” he said. “The plan is when I get my timing, I can also be comfortable. And calm.”
Gallo realizes he’s a lightning rod, with some teams scoffing at his performance while most fans clamor to watch him during batting practice. So unique is Gallo that every team employs the shift against him, and last year the Astros even deployed four outfielders, daring him to bunt or even hit the ball on the ground to the left side of the infield.
“I’m proud of what I’ve done so far, but I’m not satisfied at all,” he said. “I can hit 40 home runs and drive in a lot of guys, but I want to be better. I know I can be better. I think people see the talent I have that I can be a better player, and they always expect more. I know I’m going to be better.”
Texas Rangers, 2019:
Come for the two-pound chicken. Stay for Gallo’s taters.
Whadya expect, cow milking?