It’s bikini season. For my remote control.
In this current summer bummer of a sports lull after the NBA Finals and before Wimbledon and after the NFL Draft and before baseball’s All-Star Game, the British Open and anything resembling football, hunting and gathering eye candy for the average couch potato isn’t a slam dunk. Time for fresh batteries and some hard work for the ol’ clicker, and a keen eye for … anything.
While anxiously awaiting our weekly Sunday storms in DFW yesterday, I flipped through and around a Tim Federowicz homer in a Rangers victory, accessorized by some auto racing, golf, tennis, something called Big 3 basketball and, finally, soccer. Yep – yawn – women’s soccer.
It wasn’t that I was the least bit interested in France or Brazil, but more so a sport invented by people who thought it was a swell idea to negate one of the most important parts of the human body – hands. I’ve covered the sport for years – from the Sidekicks in the ’80s to the World Cup in ’94. But a simple, preposterous rule made me watch the sport differently, with more discernment.
A ball was kicked out of bounds and suddenly it hit me like a yellow card issued for general lethargy: France kicked the ball out, but Brazil threw it in.
What. The. What?!
In a game where hands are inexplicably outlawed as dangerous weapons, why, I thought, don’t soccer players kick the ball back into play instead of throwing it? With 457 channels of merely background noise, my warped mind raced into the world of weird rules.
It’s not only soccer stupidity, it’s sports senselessness.
I realize, relatively speaking, we’ve come a long way. Sports have adapted to contemporary challenges and tweaked and tinkered their way to – for the most part – better games.
We’ve enjoyed evolution.
There was a time, for crying out loud, when baseball batters could request a pitch to be thrown “low” or “high” and when it took nine balls for a walk. NFL goal posts were once in the middle of the end zone. NBA players were afforded three free throws in an attempt to make two. Golfers took their “drop” over their shoulder. Texas high school football playoff games that ended in ties were decided on “penetrations”, or the number of drives inside the opponent’s 20-yard line. And before the implementation of a shot clock in 1985, Southwest Conference basketball championship games were won by scores of 39-38.
The improvements are vital. Remember football without that yellow first-down line? Hockey without helmets? Baseball actually taking the time to throw four wide ones for an intentional walk?
Much as we’ve advanced, we’re still numb to the dumb. There are nuances – unwritten rules – in almost every sport that drive me crazier than the boxer who last night wore a giant lion headdress into the ring or the Wallenda (and his sister) who tight-roped over Times Square.
Why can’t the ground cause a fumble? Second serves in tennis. Passed balls on a strikeout. Hand slaps with every teammate after every free throw – made or missed. Caddies. Coaching boxes. Goalies glued to their line until ball meets foot on penalty kicks. College receivers that need only one foot for a catch are also allowed to tackle themselves. Baseball’s “in the neighborhood” double plays. And, in the bull’s-eye of state-of-the-art technology, football clinging to an archaic chain gang and human guesstimation in determining first downs.
Those all need to be repaired, but after my Sunday synopsis, they’re at the back of the line. Because we live in a sports world where illogical rules continue to gnaw at the fabric of the games we cherish.
I call them the 10 Very Most Dumbest Rules In Sports. Not only do I have the diagnosis, I’m offering up prescriptions.
10, Tennis Scoring – Look, I love this sport. To watch and to play. But a system in which zero is Love and the points in a game are counted by 15, 30 and then 40 and then “deuce” is wholly irrational.
From now on: To win a game in tennis you have to win four points – counted 1-2-3-4 – and you have to win by two. Sorry, Love is overrated.
9, Designated Hitter – A baseball game without pitchers hitting is like a steak dinner, with no sides. Just meat, no strategy. No reason pitchers can’t spend one of their four off days between starts working on at least matching Rougned Odor’s .175 average. Imagine if every time the Mavs’ Dwight Powell had a pass thrown to him a substitute ran off the bench and took the shot?
From now on: AL plays by the same rules as the NL. If you’re not in good enough physical condition to play in the field, get your ass in shape. Right, Albert Pujols?
8, Draft Order – Much ado about our government’s so-called “socialism” with the haves propping up the have-nots. Why do we stand for it in sports? The spoils of success should include a higher draft pick, not a lower one. In our existing system, we’re actually rewarding failure. As a kid it’s always “make it, take it” and “losers walk,” not vice-versa.
From now on: A championship in a pro league comes with a trophy, a parade and next year’s No. 1 draft pick. Screw you, parity.
7, Points For a Loss – C’mon hockey. You know better. Under your rules NBA and NFL teams would get one-third of a win for merely being tied after regulation.
From now on: Hockey has a winner every night. If overtimes take too long, see and implement No. 2.
6, Illegal Contact – Yeah, I get it. A defensive back shouldn’t significantly impede the progress of a receiver in the secondary. But the punishment is too penal. A 5-yard penalty should never equal an automatic first down.
From now on: Illegal contact/interference penalties are neither spot fouls nor automatic first downs. Take the spot of the penalty, get the number of yards the foul occurred from the line of scrimmage and then half that total. There’s your penalty yardage.
5, Extra Points – I know the NFL has pushed these back to make it more challenging/interesting. But let’s keep pushing, to the back burner and eventually off the friggin’ stove. It’s the most mundane play in all of sports. A team drives 80 yards with an efficient, rugged combo of running, passing, blocking and shrewd play-calling. Then, with all the ease of pulling the level on your recliner, a guy who’s rarely on the field comes out and nonchalantly scores one-sixth as many points as the preceding drive.
From now on: Football teams must go for two points after every touchdown. And while we’re at it, how about exterminating kickers altogether. Teams have four downs to make 10 yards or else they give the ball to the defense. Sorry, FOOTball is overrated.
4, Baseball Managers in Uniforms – Imagine how silly it would look for Rick Carlisle to be suited up in shorts or Jason Garrett to be wearing a helmet during games.
From now on: Managers must wear at least business casual and, oh, they’re also strictly prohibited from running onto the field to stop play while haplessly arguing a judgment call. And as for pitching changes, players run off the field to hear the coach in the dugout, not vice-versa. Like in football and basketball. Duh.
3, Possession Arrow – Not sure why we got rid of jump balls in the first place, but whatever the reason it was a hideous one. Taking turns getting awarded the ball on jump balls is short-sighted, shallow and unfair. If human refs can’t handle tossing a ball straight up five feet, then we need better refs.
From now on: Tie balls = jump balls. And get to work pronto on a mechanical gizmo that hovers over courts and perfectly drops basketballs in the middle of the two contesting players.
2, Offsides – Hear me out, soccer and hockey. One of the most exciting plays in sports is the football bomb to an open receiver and the basketball breakaway dunk behind the defense. In hockey you can’t be in the offensive zone before the puck and in soccer you can’t receive a pass unless a defender is at least even with you. Imagine, no more Dak Prescott deep passes to Amari Cooper – unless he’s covered. And Zion Williamson has to slow down and wait for his point guard to catch up on a fast break.
From now on: Soccer and hockey players can accept a pass whenever and wherever they want. I know, what a concept.
1, Coin Flip – We’ve got instant replay and yellow lines and safer helmets and DVRs and a relatively sophisticated, advanced society. But we can’t come up with anything better to break a tie than something we resorted to as 6-year-olds? Coins should not play a part in sports. Ever. In baseball the home team bats last. In basketball it’s a jump ball. But in football it’s just left to chance … to “heads” or “tails”?
From now on: The home team gets the choice as to whether it wants the ball first. And, in overtime, the team with the most yards in that particular game gets the ball first. Until we change coins out of sports, we’re all just Neanderthals watching an archaic hobby.
