It’s probably not cause for surprise or astonishment to learn that the art form of the limerick can be bawdy, irreverent and even obscene.
It’s the invention of the Irish, after all. You gotta figure out a new ways to tell the story of all those glorious failures.
Not jaw-dropping stuff.
The limerick can also be quite punny, these funnies.
In the 19th century, English poet Edward Lear mastered what is called literary nonsense.
There was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
First things first: I’m not Edward Lear.
I’m also not Eric Nadel, the Rangers broadcaster, who brought to print his popular eighth-inning limerick last winter. His compilation is titled Lim-Eric and is available through any of the various retailers online or in brick.
But I have been inspired by both, as well as Ziggy Becker, the Millennial producer of PressBox DFW Live, our website’s vodcast, which is broadcast live each Tuesday at noon. Find it on our site or our Facebook page. It can also be downloaded any time afterward.
Ziggy last week rechristened me “John Dough” as my official rap name … if I actually had an aptitude for such vocal technique or hip-hop or some such.
I’m also not Snoop Dog.
Limericks consist of five anapaestic lines. Lines one, two and five are seven to 10 syllables and rhyme. Lines three and four are five to seven syllables and also rhyme.
The goal here was to take recent sports stories and tell them the way an Irishman might.
Author Malcolm Gladwell created the principle that it takes 10,000 hours of “deliberate practice” to master any field.
What follows is about six or seven hours, and what resulted was something more limerick-ish.
Dollars to doughnuts, Brooklyn
The chaotic NBA free agency period opened on Sunday evening with teams throwing money around like only the lonely at the T&A caberet.
The Big Story? The Brooklyn Nets signed Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving. Yowsers.
Durant, of course, has got a bad Achilles’ heel. Meanwhile, Manhattan’s Knicks continue to be the cockroach to a heel.
After the first day of giving its pitch,
Brooklyn made its borough brother their bitch
Knicks declined to add to the core
Ensuring yet another long snore
The Nets still need Durant out of his stitch.
Mavericks ’n’ Heat
Meanwhile, the Mavericks had a deal cooking with the Miami Heat.
Twitter was hot with telegrams reporting that the Mavs were set to receive Kelly Olynyk and Derrick Jones Jr. as part of a three-team deal that would net the Heat Jimmy Butler and the Sixers Josh Richardson.
But the Heat thought the player going to Dallas was Goran Dragic. Miami needed that to happen to make the deal work.
That miscommunication led to everything going as cold as a Siberian winter.
The Mavs and Heat were said to have a deal.
Jones Junior and Olynyk were on the reel.
Miami said ‘whoa,’
‘Goran has to go.’
In the end, they didn’t break the seal.
Big league chew
When the season started, we all thought it was to the very bottom of the AL West for the Rangers.
Do not pass Go.
What we get for thinking.
To the pleasant surprise of all the subjects, the Rangers are contenders at the midpoint of the season.
Holy cow, Harry Caray.
Arlington, she’s a city all aglow.
There’s even talk of a postseason show.
Hold off forecasting that day.
Lots more baseball to play.
But the bottom line: The Rangers don’t blow.
Our homeboy
Homegrown Hunter Pence, thought to be on the last leg of a good career, surprised by making the team out of spring training.
The real surprise was to come though.
He has been more than a role player in the traditional sense. His role is as one of team’s best offensive players.
Now he’s an All-Star.
The metrics don’t help to make any sense
Of how our boy returned for civil defense.
Only the best of man,
Can survive the Dominican.
Now you’re an All-Star, Hunter Pence
Happy Bobby Bonilla Day
Bobby Bonilla hasn’t played with the New York Mets since 1999.
Yet, because of some crafty negotiating, he’s due $1.9 million from the club every July 1 until 2035.
By then, he’ll be 72 years old.
Enough said.
There once was a man from Pittsburgh’s town halls.
Fastballs or mothballs, he could hit them alls.
A nimble lawyer,
Bent over the employer.
Bobby Bonilla, you have life by the balls.
Bent Josh Brent
DATELINE: Wendy’s parking lot, Coppell, Texas. Former Cowboys and current aide Josh Brent was arrested and cited for public intoxication and resisting arrest on Sunday afternoon, which, in the judgment of local law enforcement, required a bolt or two from the taser gun.
A 9-1-1 caller requested a welfare check on a gentleman, who, in Rocky’s terms, wasn’t doing too good.
When police arrived, the man, Brent, was sitting in the grass talking to himself.
Brent’s fight with the demon liquor is well-known.
In 2014, he was found guilty of intoxication manslaughter in the 2012 death of Jerry Brown, a former Cowboys wide receiver. He was sentenced to 180 days in jail and 10 years of probation.
Had my afternoons, even a morning or two.
All through the day works a corkscrew.
He without a sin,
Should try bathtub gin.
Josh Brent, you should just stick to beef stew.
Girls, they know how to have fun
The women of the U.S. national soccer team are still celebrating.
On Tuesday, they’ll try to leap into the finals with a semifinal game against England.
They’ve gained a reputation as the world’s best soccer outfit.
They’ve also used their celebrity to make known some perceived slights.
Some of us call it whining.
U.S. futbol girls, we’ve taken a shine,
Running through the world with a carbine.
We’ve all heard the moan.
We’ll get you a bank loan.
Drop kicked by FC Dallas boys the gag line.
Ode to Rapinoe
Megan Rapinoe has a mind and head of hair all her own.
Some consider her a loggerhead, but, by God, she’s our loggerhead.
The news wires are gushing Rapinoe.
To the White House, she’s, like, ‘oh, fuck, no.’
No one should condemn.
Bill of Rights, we’re all for them,
But Megan, you look like George Washington, yo.
