Whether you’re at the end of your coffee, your day, your week or even your rope, welcome to Whitt’s End …
*Style-over-substance has a new poster boy in the Rangers’ Rougned Odor. From head to toe, let’s ogle his batter’s box look these days: Helmet smudged with gobs of pine tar. Headband. Sunglasses. Eye black (even in night games). Scraggly beard. Gaudy, gold rope necklace. Unbuttoned jersey. Elbow guard. Wrist wraps. Sweat bands. Gloves. Pants that are overly baggy yet pulled up high around his knees. Stirrup-less socks. Shin protector. I was genuinely prepared to see snorkeling flippers instead of spikes. The dude has more ornaments than a Christmas tree. Which would be fine, if he didn’t suck. Odor is hitting a preposterous .146. For the season, he has 15 hits, 42 strikeouts and leads baseball by getting caught attempting to steal four times. I know in the “Texas tough” world of fake machismo he’ll always be a sainted Ranger to some because he punched Jose Bautista, but at this point as a baseball player Odor is merely a laughable liability. He should wrap himself in blinking, neon lights and just admit he’s more novelty sight than productive bat.
*The Mavericks’ luck is beyond bad, worse even than the dog that broke the mirror and got 49 years of misfortune. Three teams, each finishing with 33-49 records, had a 6% chance at the No. 1 pick in this week’s NBA Draft Lottery. The Grizzlies got the second pick. The Pelicans landed No. 1. The Mavs not only didn’t move up, they dropped to 10th. They had the same odds as the Pelicans. But instead of adding Zion Williamson to Kristaps Porzingis and Luka Doncic, they lost their pick to the Hawks. I can commiserate. I’ve done okay through the years gambling on sports, but in games of pure chance I’m basically 0-for-life. My friends regularly return from Vegas or WinStar with tales of winning thousands of dollars on slot-machine pulls. Me? Never. When I play the lottery or Powerball, I not only don’t win, I rarely even pick one correct number. To be fair, I did play Albertson’s “Monopoly” game recently. Over the last two months I physically tore apart and opened more than 500 tickets. And I won a whopping $10. Bad, but better than the Mavs.
*The Cowboys plan to spell Ezekiel Elliott by giving carries to rookie fourth-round pick Tony Pollard, and even play the two in the backfield together. Why? If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Cowboys can tweak/improve a lot of positions. Running back isn’t one of them. Feed Zeke and let the others starve.
*Australia > Alabama. The progressive country in the South Pacific that recently reacted to a mass murder by banning assault rifles and has long awarded its citizenry with universal healthcare has now passed a law that makes it illegal for anti-abortion protesters to be within 500 feet of a clinic. Meanwhile, the state that ranks 50th in education and first in “the South shall rise again!” rhetoric – oh, and that nominated pedophile Roy Moore for the U.S. Senate – passed a law this week making abortion, with no exceptions for rape or incest, a felony crime punishable by up to 99 years in prison. Seriously, in Alabama a 12-year-old girl could now be legally forced to carry and give birth to her rapist’s baby. Think about that indignity. If When I go missing, look for me not in the Deep South, but Down Under.
*See a drone deliver a human organ that saves a life via emergency transplant, and think there’s hope for this world yet. Be reminded that bullfighting – wounding and eventually killing an animal via spears – is still not only legal but revered in Spain, and think there’s no hope for this world.
*Empathy for his arthritic knees be damned, John Daly should not be allowed to ride in a golf cart at this week’s PGA Championship. During practice rounds Daly was seen munching on food out of a McDonald’s bag. He’s habitually overweight which, of course, contributes to his degenerative knee condition. More importantly, walking is part of golf. Not only should every golfer walk the entire 72 holes to win a major, he should do it without a caddy. Golf is an individual sport. Therefore, golfers should carry their own bag, judge their own distances and read their own putts. I’d tune in to watch a caddy-less tournament. Of course, under my rules we wouldn’t have Caddyshack.
*A 1986 sculpture by Jeff Koons sold this week in New York at a record price for a work by a living artist. The piece? “Rabbit.” The price? $91.1 million. I always had an affinity for Bugs Bunny and Easter and Gary Player’s caddie and, especially, Hugh Hefner’s Playmates. But, seriously, I wouldn’t pay $9.10 for this shiny bookend thingy. And it’s precisely that eye for art that has me … writing.
*The more we watch this year’s Rangers, the more they look like every other year’s Rangers. They began their recent road trip – on which they were 2-6 – by scoring 19 of 24 runs via home run. Under new manager Chris Woodward, manufacturing runs and small-ball was supposed to be a thing. But it isn’t a thing.
*Robert Kraft’s lawyers aren’t arguing that their client didn’t commit a crime by paying for sex at a Florida massage parlor twice in 16 hours. They’re arguing that video proof of the crime was obtained illegally. What a slimy way to get off.
*Comedian Conor Moore is a viral sensation for his impersonations of golfers. Not that the impressions of Tiger Woods and Bubba Watson and Ian Poulter aren’t spot-on, but I’ve just never been impressed by people who make a living acting like other people. Las Vegas shows featuring Elvis impersonators. Tribute bands. Drag queens that lip sync. Pass, pass and hard pass. Give me documentaries over movies. Make mine real over fake.
*I love watching Steph Curry play. And pass. And shoot. Sure he’s more pretty than gritty, but you can’t read this stat and not be amazed: He has made 80 consecutive playoff free throws in the fourth quarter and overtime. He hasn’t missed a crunch-time free throw in a postseason game since 2015. It is 2019.
*Bitcoin this week surged to $8,000. I still have no idea what that means. But I’m pretty sure I’d like to find a couple in my couch cushions.
*The Mavericks’ Porzingis was apparently jumped by Russians in a Latvian bar this week. Last year he was apparently extorted by a former girlfriend, who charged him with rape. From a distance, he looks innocent in both incidents. But sooner or later we’ll be forced to take a harder look at the common denominator.
*In the latest episode of #StableGenius, the President of the United States thinks they are the Boston Red “Socks”.
*From the DNA that spawned “downhill runner” and “put a foot in the ground” comes the latest announcers tripe: “Kawhi Leonard is the best two-way player in the NBA.” What the what?! If that’s so, shouldn’t you just call him the “best player in the NBA?” I mean, if he’s the best at offense and defense, combined, then he is simply the best. Unless there’s a third “way” I’m missing?
*From the Dept. of NoInFactYouAreNotTheCenterOfTheUniverse: There are 7.6 billion humans on this planet. About 25 percent of them – 1.8 billion – are not eating between sunrise and sunset from May 5-June 4 in observance of the Muslim tradition of Ramadan.
*The NFL makes billions in profit each year, but it’s tightening its financial belt for 2019. Gone via $20 million in budget cuts are NFL Network shows featuring Deion Sanders (fantastic!) and Mic’d Up (fudge!).
*For really lazy people that work in really tall buildings with really long hallways, someone should invent elevators that also move sideways.
*NFL: Saints are screwed out of the Super Bowl by a non-penalty. NBA: Pelicans win Zion in the Draft Lottery. Call it even, New Orleans? The Sports Gods work in mysterious ways.
*RIP to the one of the funniest comedians to ever grace TV, Tim Conway. When done right, comedy’s volume can be subtle and its pace can be slower than refrigerated honey. When Family Guy’s Peter Griffin takes three minutes to slide a dead frog out the window, he took his cues from Conway’s “old man” character on the Carol Burnett Show. His timing was pure genius.
*One of life’s little joys is walking barefoot in the grass. Without staring hypnotically at your phone while doing so. Just walk. Breathe. Enjoy. For extra credit, lay in the grass and look up at the clouds, birds, stars, whatever. There’s a big, beautiful world beneath and above that we’ve become totally oblivious to while we’re instead fixated on 5-inch video screens at the tip of our nose.
*This weekend? Golf Friday morning. Boozy Spelling Bee Friday night at Wheelhouse. Tennis Saturday. Kayaking on White Rock Lake Sunday. As always, don’t be a stranger.