Whitt’s End 8.2.19

   Whether you’re at the end of your coffee, your day, your week or even your rope, welcome to Whitt’s End …

• Boy was I was wrong. Holding out of training camp wasn’t a bluff by Zeke Elliott, after all. But as I said before, in the wake of his various off-field troubles – now there’s a 2017 car accident to throw atop the pile – this is/will be a PR disaster. Nothing a couple of 121-yard, two-touchdown games can’t delete, but he will receive a smattering of boos at some point. Business-wise, however, he has leverage, and lots of it. For the last eight(ish) years the Cowboys front office has been dedicated to constructing the quickest path to a return to glory by emulating the 1990s: the NFL’s best offensive line blocking for the NFL’s best running back. To that end, they’ve used high draft picks on the likes of Tyron Smith, Travis Frederick, Zack Martin and Zeke, and designed a run-first offense casting a bus-driving, fourth-round quarterback as a supporting actor. Bottom line: The Cowboys are dependent on Zeke. Not Alfred Morris. Zeke. Dak Prescott is the quarterback and Michael Gallup is their No. 2 receiver. In other words, there is no viable, passing-game Plan B. The Cowboys’ Super Bowl hopes rest on the offensive line blocking and Zeke running. We know it. They know it. And, yep, Zeke’s camp knows it, too.

• I’ve come around on Mike Minor, and am happy the Rangers didn’t part with him at this week’s trade deadline. But what the division-rival Astros pulled off is obscene. Those of us that remember the ’90s Braves’ staff of Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine and Steve Avery thought we’d never see a quartet like that again. But, sure enough. Houston can now hand the ball to Justin Verlander, Gerrit Cole, Zack Greinke and Wade Miley. It’s the equivalent of an NBA super trio. Difficult to imagine a team beating three or four of those arms in a playoff series.

• On Aug. 1 we received our first college football coaches’ poll, thus commencing a weekly gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands that will continue until mid-December. For what it’s worth, 65 coaches voted Clemson No. 1, Oklahoma No. 4, Texas No. 10, A&M 11^th and gave votes to TCU (63) and even North Texas (3). It, of course, means absolutely nothing. A year ago today, the 2018 poll was unveiled with Miami No. 8 and TCU No. 16. Both finished 7-6 and unranked.

• Recently hopped aboard one of those Sneaky Pete’s double-decker party pontoon boats on Lewisville Lake. During a lull I chatted up the captain and was dumbfounded by some of his stories of guests breaking rules and, in turn, bones. This summer alone: A man, who was warned not to take a running jump over the top-deck railing, severed his big toe when it got caught under a piece of metal lining when he, yep, tried to take a running jump over the top-deck railing. A woman suffered two dislocated kneecaps after slipping while running. A man wound up with a broken back when he dove into the side of the boat instead of the water. And, saddest of all, a man intentionally went headfirst into the lake in front – and then under – the boat. Into, and through, the engines. In the bathroom, police found a suicide note. Alcohol, dares, hijinks and depression are not safe to mix with water.

• Seems as though every NFL season there is a team that shockingly plunges from first-to-worst in its division. Last year it was the Jags, from 10-6 in ’17 to 5-11 in ’18. Same drops for the Texans in ’17, Panthers in ’16, Cowboys in ’15 and both the Texans and Redskins in ’13. Sorry, but Dallas again is a prime candidate. Zeke’s holdout won’t help. Neither will a first-place schedule. The lack of a first-round draft pick. Or Jason Garrett’s lame-duck status. The last three times the Cowboys made the postseason, the following year they went 6-10, 4-12 and 9-7. Buckle up.

• Hot.

• Not.

• There is only one pre-1990 video on YouTube that has garnered more than 1 billion views: Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. First heard the song during a school bus ride to a junior high basketball game in 1975. Knew it was different, but not eternally transcendent.

• I kid you not, two days into training camp – two! – Cowboys Sean Lee and Tavon Austin were given “veteran rest days.” Trust me, when I covered the ’90s Cowboys camps in the Austin heat at St. Edward’s University, there were no “veteran rest days.” There were, however, two-a-day padded practices, “Middle Drills” and Jimmy Johnson barking at sweaty, ornery players to “let your mind control your body, not your body control your mind.” Those Cowboys might not have been smarter. But no doubt they were tougher. And better.

• I barely understand computers and I certainly don’t comprehend hacking. The 33-year-old software engineer that collected information from 100 million Capital One customers this week, what was she gonna do with the data? Can you sell that kind of stuff on the “dark web”? Page Thompson, who goes by the internet handle “erratic,” is somehow charged with only one count of “computer fraud and abuse.” Also in kinda financial/banking/computering news, the credit reporting agency, Equifax, has to pay $575 million in its settlement with the Federal Trade Commission in the wake of its 2017 security breach. If you were affected, you’re entitled to $125, or seven years of free credit monitoring. I’ll take the monitoring, please.

• Tons of restaurants – sit-down, fast-food and otherwise – serve delicious chicken wings. My personal faves are Wing Stop and Raising Canes. At the bottom of the list is Buffalo Wild Wings. Too crunchy. Too un-chickeny. Good sports ambience in their joints, but just not good food. But I’m obviously in the minority, as BWW in 2018 sold 1.9 billion wings. Gross. What is wrong with us?

• Unintended consequences of the #MeToo movement: All-female NBA dance teams are vanishing before our “woke” eyes. In the past 14 months, eight of the league’s 30 teams have replaced squads with some form of co-ed group. The Mavericks have kept their dancers, albeit in much more conservative outfits and with a family-friendly amount of gyrating. (See: subtle wiggling.) The theories go thusly: Any chance a team could be accused of sexism, it’s easier to get rid of the women rather than train the men. Or have women’s pushes for equal pay and upgraded working conditions merely backfired into fewer jobs?

• Call me crazy, but I’m not counting out safety Eric Berry to the Cowboys. I base this on a staunch history of anti-Jeff Heathism.

• A wise woman told me this week, “What you are not changing, you are choosing.”

• Cool move by former Carter High School star Michael Crabtree. The 31-year-old free-agent receiver this summer provided a $100,000 gift to fully endow a Texas Tech football scholarship in his name. Bravo!

• Regarding the lawsuit filed against Zeke and the Cowboys about a January 2017 vehicle accident. Three points that make it frivolous: 1. January was more than two years ago. Statute of limitations, anyone?  2. It was a fender bender, and Elliott has admitted responsibility. Insurance, anyone? 3. Unless he was driving an official team vehicle on official team business, the Cowboys aren’t involved, much less liable. Common sense, anyone?

• The 2019 State of Fair of Texas is still a good two months away, but this week the event announced its Big Tex Choice Awards. In other words, you have about eight weeks to clean your arteries in advance of ingesting this year’s funky food winners: Extreme Fried Bananarama (yes!), Deep Fried Chicken Cordon Bleu Stuffed Waffles (pass), PB&J Pickle Dogs (vomit), Fried Burnt Ends Burrito (maybe) and Southern Fried Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo Ball (does not compute).

• Every once in a while humanity provides us with a glimpse of hope that we’re not all careening toward Hades in a wicker carry-on. This Boston 3-year-old cancer patient being entertained out his window oughta do the trick.

• This weekend? Buddy’s 40^th birthday golf outing Saturday. Sunday let’s take a day off from tennis and golf and, well, everything. Whatd’ya say? As always, don’t be a stranger.